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When a young child is overwhelmed, frustrated, or having a meltdown, the instinctive adult response is often: “Calm down.” But as Collaborative for Children explains in our latest parenting tips video, this phrase rarely helps and may even make things worse. That’s because emotional regulation in early childhood is not an innate skill. It’s learned through connection, modeling, and consistent support.
Between birth and age five, a child’s brain is developing faster than it ever will again. During this critical window, children are forming neural pathways that support everything from language and literacy to emotional resilience and executive function. Early childhood brain development lays the foundation for how a child manages feelings and behaviors, thus making emotional regulation one of the most important skills built during this time.
But here’s the challenge: young children don’t yet have the tools to regulate on their own. Telling them to “calm down” assumes they already know how. Instead, they need adults to guide them through the process using co-regulation strategies for parents.
Co-regulation strategies for parents involve helping children manage their emotions by staying calm, connected, and responsive. It’s not about fixing the problem immediately, it’s about being present and modeling the behaviors we want children to learn.
For example, instead of saying “calm down,” a caregiver might say:
• “I see you’re upset. I’m here with you.”
• “Let’s take a deep breath together.”
• “It’s okay to feel mad. Let’s figure out what we can do.”
These responses validate the child’s feelings while offering a pathway to self-soothing. Over time, children internalize these strategies and begin to use them independently.
Many children born during the COVID-19 pandemic missed out on key social-emotional cues like seeing smiles, frowns, and facial expressions, due to widespread mask-wearing. These cues are essential for learning how actions affect others. As a result, some children may struggle more with behavioral regulation and emotional awareness.
Collaborative for Children is addressing this gap by coaching educators in our Centers of Excellence on neurodiversity-informed strategies. We recognize that every child’s brain is wired differently, and we equip teachers to support both neurotypical and neurodivergent learners with empathy and skill.
Learn More about centers of excellence
In our STEAM-based curriculum, emotional regulation in early childhood is woven into everyday activities. Whether it’s building a tower with blocks or exploring a science experiment, children learn to take turns, express frustration, and celebrate success all within a safe, structured environment.
Our certified child care Centers of Excellence across Greater Houston are trained to recognize emotional cues and respond with developmentally appropriate strategies. We also provide resources for parents to continue this learning at home, reinforcing the connection between caregiver and child.
Why doesn’t telling a child to “calm down” work?
Because young children haven’t yet developed the emotional regulation skills needed to respond to that command. They need guidance and support to learn how to manage their feelings.
What is co-regulation in early childhood?
Co-regulation strategies for parents involve an adult helping a child manage emotions by staying calm, connected, and responsive. It’s a foundational step toward self-regulation.
How can I help my child develop emotional regulation at home?
Model calm behavior, validate their feelings, and use simple strategies like deep breathing, naming emotions, and offering choices. Consistency and connection are key.
